A Strategy to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

I have created a sound strategy based on my extensive experience in paranoia for such events.

So u wake up and find there is a Zombie Apocalypse.

You need stealth, combat ability techniques and hideouts in order to survive this Zombie Apocalypse. However you need to get supplies for the strategy or you will end up “dead meat” in more ways than one.

There are two important things you need to know about zombies

All he wants is fresh meat...

1)    If a Zombie's bodily fluid (most common form is zombie saliva) is swopped with yours, you will be infected  (Like HIV/AIDS only having a shower afterwards wont cure you)

2)    They can smell fresh meat, just like orcs from LOTR 2 (flickering his nose Orc Snaga says “What about them? They're fresh” referring to Mery and Pippin) and orcs are kinda like zombies as explained by Saruman in LOTR 1


Okay so from home you need to get to a place that has the supplies you need. You have to move fast while there are less Zombies busy killing other people. The idea is to always avoid combat, however you will be confronted by a zombie/s and u need to be prepared. To avoid getting killed between home and the supplies shop equip yourself with the following:

If You end up looking like this...give me ur number ;)

Wear multiple pants and long sleeve shirts. Pull beanie over your head and make eye and nose holes. You want to wear enough clothes that Zombies bites don’t break your skin but also be able to move and run. *Tip not wearing undies helps one to move easier…

Wear dark colours, zombie sight aint too good.
Carry incense sticks and light them continuously to mask your human scent.
Weapons: Fire, not bullets are the best way to kill zombies.

Braai lighter (flame can stay on) taped around aerosol can makes for a great homemade flame thrower, keep it in your left hand. Put flour in several small lunch bags with enough air and tie them up – this can be used to be thrown at Zombies and then use the flame thrower  – this will create a friggin awesome mini bomb that will explode zombie guts everywhere. Also have some back up bags with turpentine if u prefer Deep Fried Zombies. (right hand is stronger and needed to throw bags with enough force that the it bursts on impact)

Tape a long knife to your right wrist* (palm facing down) so u look like wolverine extending his middle claw, this will help in close combat situations with zombies and you can nick other people and let their blood attract the zombies that are on your trail. (*knife on right wrist makes it easier to cut people jugular for more blood)

Now that you are at the shops, you have a limited time to loot the following and remember you can only carry so much, but don’t be miserly either!!!

Items:

A  Stronger back pack
David Beckhams perfume
Incense sticks
Lighters…not matches!
A Docking station and i-pod
Can food
Snack bars
Water bottle and babies bottle
Aerosol cans
Flour
Binoculars – high powered ones, not the ones u had at home
Walkie Talkies
Thermal blanket
GPS
Hiking Boots
Batteries
Torch (more than one)
Dirty Magazine
Hand held consoles and games
Tent
Bait
Lots Fishing line
Dettol
Two pots
Superfast glue (use immediately to seal up cuts as the blood will attract zombies)



After Bandana

Before Bandana

Red Bandana – tie this around your head (like Rambo) and u immediately feel like a renegade bad ass, this may also cause involuntary slurred speech i.e Stallone Effect Syndrome

There will be zombies everywhere and you need to blend in. In close quarter situations, rub David Beckham’s perfume (smells the same as rotting meat and lasts longer) on you to blend in with the zombies. Remember they aren’t easily fooled so mutter Justin Bieber / Katie Perry lyrics so they believe you are a zombiefied drone like them. Discretely move away from this zombie groups and move to your next pit stop.

The taxi rank, here you can get actual rotting meat from any  butchery at the rank, then search under the driver’s seats of the taxis and you will find guns & ammo – get as many as you can!

Make your next stop at a Ducatti or Honda and get a FAST black motorbike…and helmet, no use surviving Zombies to get your head smashed by falling of the bike. This is the best form of transport in apocalypse situations, not those big shielded cars that cant go fast. Bikes are fast and can be used off road, only prob is the noise, which can be muffed out. remember to get as lotsa petrol cans from the garage.

You will now use your GPS to find a remote area that has fresh water near by (my bet is Drakensburg, I mean it survived 2012). Zombies don’t have strong limbs so climbing mountains will be hard for them.

Sustenance:

You need to create a life for yourself in the wilderness, and unfortunately after 39 days, even if you are the sole survivor – u aren’t gonna win a million dollars.

You have the fresh water supply for water and fish…lucky u got bait and line, Im sure u can find a strong fishing stick amongst the branches used for fire wood.

The two pots, one for boiling water and storing them in water bottles and the other for cooking cans, fish and critters and u got snack bars…to keep you regular

Thermal blankets will keep warm, and the dirty magazines will keep you…busy on those cold nights and your torches will have batteries
You need solid hiking boots, helps you around camp and trekking
The most important items, hand held consoles and games coz seriously who wants to live in a world where you can't game?

no gaming - pass the gun please

Camp security:

Set your tent as close to the mountain ledge as possible, this will avoid you getting surrounded.

This high ground gives you a good vantage point to scout from with your binoculars.

Always have a camp fire going, lighters are better than matches and keep flour and petrol bombs ready for an immediate attack

Always have an aerosol can, lighter and flour pocket with you, guns wont damage a zombie much but will slow them down.

Use the babies bottle tip on the gun to act as a silencer when hunting food, zombies are attracted to noise and smell

Keep burning incense to disguise your human scent, though with not bathing and crapping where you eat your human scent will be gone soon enough.

Wonder if Dettol will give me royalties?

Create an interwoven fence line dipped in Dettol. The fishing line will cut the zombie’s skin and the Dettol is an antibacterial that will immediately cause pain to the decaying zombie, making it scream. This will alert you and give you time to mount an offence.

Leave a walkie talkie in a tree near your perimeter, when a zombie sets off your trap, you can confuse the zombie away by talking in your one coz the zombie will hear the other one in the tree

Batteries take 10 mins to explode so timing is important, throw a battery in the campfire this will give you a head start to your find next hideout

Failsafe: Every good strategy needs one!

This should only be attempted when there is no way to escape.

You will have your docking station and i-pod on you. place the ipod on the docking station and have speaker on full blast.

Part 1

When the music starts, stumble forward with your right foot and then your left foot two times (right, left, right, left). Do the same thing while moving backward (right, left, right, left). Take it forward once more (right, left, right, left). And then back again (right, left, right, left).

Part 2

Move forward again, right foot then left foot, four times. On the first, third and fourth step, lift your right shoulder up as you take the step. After the fourth step, do the exact same thing while moving backward. Then, turn and face right and raise your right arm out in front of you, and your left arm out in back of you. Step forward with the right foot and dip your backside at the same time in a bouncing movement. Do this twice.

Part 3

Stand with your left leg facing forward and step your right leg out to the side simultaneously. (Shift your weight so you are leaning on your left leg.) Lean back to your left and take two little hops to the right. Then, fall forward to your right by bending at the waist. When you fall forward, make sure your weight is on your right leg this time. With your head and arms still down, turn to the left and then lift your head and face forward. Stare straight ahead for two counts. Place your left hand on the center of your waist, and raise your right arm in the air to the right side. Then dip down and back up four times.

 Part 4

Bend at the knees and then raise both hands above the head and clap. (You will be as straight as a pencil at this point). Step your left foot out to the side as wide as you can go, then slide your right foot over. Stomp your right foot, raise your shoulders once and turn your head to the left. (This movement goes very fast during the song.)

 Part 5

Stand with your feet apart (about as wide as your shoulders) and swing your hips from the right to the left three times (while leaning to the right). Then, tuck your body in and release so that your left leg is pointing out to the left side and your right arm is pointing straight out to your right side. Land on your left foot, and then swing your hips from left to right two times. Tuck your body in and release into a "roar" stance. This is one of the most popular "Thriller" moves. Step to the right while maintaining the "roar" stance, and then step to the left. Face front and fall at the waist while jiggling your entire body. While keeping your left foot planted, step in a clockwise circle. Look up to the left when you get to 9 o'clock. Then walk forward with your hands on your hips. (Right, left, right, left).

And if you haven’t figured it out yet, that is the dance steps for Michael Jackson’s Thriller (now read again, play the song and dance)

This song should trance the zombies to dance and this will give you the chance to bite them, yes bite them coz by Newton 3rd law (every action has an equal and opposite reaction) this means: zombies bite humans and humans become zombies SO Humans biting Zombies should turn Zombies to Humans.

Also some quick tips:

Don’t join a group of survivors, they will get you killed Loners always survive until they join groups (Danielle – Lost, Lawrence Fishburne – Predators 2010, Ali Larter – Final Destination etc)

If you are a female virgin you will be the last to die after crying and have snot leaking down your face. (Final Destination 4, Saw, Halloween chick)

If you meet a female virgin, nail her lotsa times, this increases your odds of survival coz slutty girls are almost always killed first (Paris Hilton – Wax House, Blondes in Wrong Turn)

Follow a group that has a smart ass, black people, strong jocks coz these people will die in gruesome ways that will educate on how zombies attack (I know what u did last summer, urban legend)

Keep a journal, a crappy sequel will follow and that group of misfits will use your guide to fend of Zombies but will also find a clue that you overlooked on how to kill alll Zombies. if there is a trilogy, you will be brought back as a 70% human and 30% zombie with the zombie part growing. you will eventually sacrifice yourself to save a pregnant girl whose kid is the key to restoring humanity.

And that boys and girls is why I am a paranoid guy that is ready for anything…Alien Attack, Serial killer, global warming etc – Just Bring It