Lost: Afterlife

Yes yes yes I know its been a long time but I got a good excuse - travelled across the sea. got engaged, and married. Been busy working on our script too, will make a great bollywood movie.

Anywhoz, I introduced my wife to the awesomeness that is Lost and got me to thhinking maybe I should post my script for Lost:Afterlife coz lets be honest the ending did leave a bitter taste on our tongue not as bad as Lennon I mean english feels on Dogen's tongue but still there was a lacking for something more. Also I cant let go so Im tired of people telling me that I can - So stop telling me what I can do.



Lost Season 7 Afterlife Paraody

Narrator: Previously on Lost:

Losties entered the white light

 

 

Charlie: Guys, where are we?

Sawyer: Look aroun' Pipin, We aint in The Shire no more.

Locke: Not necessarily James, The Island brought us here. To this Place. To This time. I am a man of faith and my faith has never been wrong.

Sawyer: why if it isn' ol captain Ahab, just “hanging” around.

Anna Lucia: Rather hanged than shot

Michael: Anna, pst, you aint supposed to be here. You suppose to be looking for Walt WALT WALT WALT. That boy gone and grown up so much – must be the islands power

Libby: hello Michael, remember me?

Michael: no, I don’t remember you Elizabeth, I mean Libby, I never shoot you twice while you were holding a blanket in the bunker

Hugo: Dude, you’re such a liar. You totally shot Libby, my Libby.

Michael: it was either that or get flattened by your fat ass

Hugo: not cool dude, I’m just big boned. I’m still spry. I only weigh 4 8 15 16 23 42 pounds.

Claire: AARRRG My baby, My Baby Where’s my baby…Somebody took my baby. Has anyone seen my baby. AARRG someone took my baby

Kate: Claire, you gave him to me, remember?

Claire: What? Aaron was with you? craaikie, oh yeah, I ran off to sort out my daddy issues.

Kate: Next time carry some gasoline and lighter, that’s how I got rid of my daddy issues

Claire: My daddy is Christian

Kate: Did he know his little girl got pregnant out of wedlock? Not very Christian if you ask me

Claire: I’m gonna scratch your eyes out

Makhil: Bah. Eye joke. Only funny till you lose eye.

Jack: Enough, we cant keep fighting with each other. We are the survivors of oceanic flight 815, Ajira flight 315, Kakhuna suriviors and [high pitched gonna cry voice] if we cant live together, we going to die alone

Sawyer: Damn Straight, But look around Jeff Probst, the island has spoken and our torches have been snuffed out so I guess you were right, we all died together. Aint that just dandy

Suddenly a Loud thunderous sound

Mr Eko: I am not sorry. I did what I needed to do to survive for that I cannot be sorry.

Shannon: OMG! Mr like Eko so totally like farted

Charlie: It’s the French, the French are coming, I can smell the French!

Mr Eko: Nor Charlie. That was me, I have expelled the demons within in me and this air is now pungent with their odour

Sun: Jin, where are you

Jin: Sun, I cant see you

Sawyer: Hidden dragon, crouching tiger, stop squinting and open your eyes

Jin & Sun: we aren’t squinting and our eyes are opened!

Claire: Aaron! Where is my baby! Someone took my baby…again

Hugo: don’t panic Claire, quick how much does Aaron weigh?

Claire: I don’t know! Kate had my baby

Kate: he was 10 pounds, why?

Hugo: coz now I weigh 4 8 15 16 23 52 pounds. I had to do it, I had to break the numbers

Claire: No worries, I see a log over there, I will carve a face and name him Aaron

A burst of blinding light…enter Ben

Ben: hello and welcome to…

“doof” LOST

 

END of Season 7 Episode 1.  Epsisode 2 to follow next week...

Call Centres and Direct Marketing

Muggles get so aggravated with direct marketers and I don’t not get it nor do I understand it. Every job and profession leaves homicidal tendencies towards you from the people you interact with. And I mean every job mine included. Coz if everyone is a CUSTOMER and every job out there has one objective –  maintain, suck dry and get more customers.

Be it missionaries trying to save people,  finance people calling for money or even you name it annoys someone.

Lets go back in time to one of the first known profession to mankind (prostitution). I think it was genius to be honest – good going woman, you really pioneered woman liberation by founding one of humanity’s first profession and the fact that it became a profession really distinguished it from a job coz that is part of the functions provided.

These hard-core working professionals are sorely scorned by people who either cant afford to get any or are too stupid not to charge.  And yes, unlike drugs, if the first one is free they all are free so don’t think you can start charging now.

But to a more morally disgusting profession – those of the direct marketers. And I am not talking about those nice lady’s you can call to raise your self-esteem, but those people who call us when we are driving, sleeping, in a meeting and on another call and from that number – unknown number or as I like to number that cannot be read aka Voldemot.

Question I have is why answer the phone when you are doing these things? Its probably the feeling of importance that someone is trying to reach you? The curiosity as to who is this unknown number or blocked number trying to call you.

 So you take the call and you are greeted by that monotonous tone of “good day we have a fantastic offer for you”.  Now you blow your top coz in taking that call you get pulled u over by the cops, the people in the meeting give you the evil eye and you dropped the other call for this person trying to sell you something and refuses to believe you are not interested.

Now I observe people and I particularly enjoy seeing them release anger. The rage gives you the power that you feel  you u are worth more than someone else and you have power over them. Coz in your own job we all have bosses, someone we need to report too and with those darn labour laws we cant take out our frustration on people at work so who do we target…enter the next tele-marketer, forgetting human rights come before labour rights.

Or do we forget human rights apply to all humans or do we choose not to remember? I heard of people being rude, passive aggressive and sweet but never heard of someone admitting to buying stuff from a telemarketer. Yet people must be buying stuff, a lot, coz this direct marketing method is in fact a proven way to make your business more profitable.

Guess this is true for my afore mentioned profession – never had anyone say “wow, dude, just had an awesome interaction with a professional prostitute. She blew my mind away, well that and other things and she went over, below, behind,  beyond  and even sideways with her toe over her head and in her nose. I will definitely be coming back for more, you should try her” instead all u hear is all the bad stuff, this rash wont go away…must have got it in the gym or cost of living has gone up – cant afford to do things I like to do…yeah you freak, those things cost extra so you are stuck to the basic package that does not include the toe over her head and in her nose special.

Anywhoz…all this start from a call I received from a tele-marketer. I get my share of calls from these vile beings but I rarely get called by someone who is nice. Yes nice, not arrogant or drone voiced someone who seemed and probably was a person. My guess it’s a fresher, still bug eyed at the working world, filled with hope and aspirations to be the best call centre agent ever.

Ooh how I would have loved to be there when she opened her first pay cheque and seen gross income is the brass ring to her net pay. I think she is by now on our side and eagerly awaiting a direct marketer to call her so she can exercise her “social right” to make someone else feel inferior

I got this call around 10 am on a weekday, I was at work but not in a meeting, another call or working on anything  that need my full concentration so I answered the voldomet number.

She had a good friendly voice and seemed to really want to know how I was doing and when I retorted “peachy” she showed delight in that I was just peachy.

She was calling from my bank with an exciting offer  and her enthusiasm made me feel all tingly…like im on the apex of a roller coaster about to descend at a high speed…how exciting offer could it be???

It was….wait for it….Insurance. how anti-climatic.

Yes, insurance but I must say she did make insurance sound exciting and I figured this would get good so I grabbed my pen and notepad and started writing. Below is our encounter…

Lady – good day sir we will like to offer YOU an exciting package…

Me(monotone voice): exciting package? For me? oh goodie.

Lady - …uh yes sir it is insurance cover

Me – Insurance. Exciting Insurance?

Lady –Yes sir,  tell me sir are u covered for all accidents?

Me – How did you get my number?

Lady – Er sir from our database, we see you indicated not to be contacted for offers or promotions but we felt this was such an exciting opportunity we felt we had to inform you

Me – is that so? I ticked Im not interested and you felt that this offer will make me change my mind?

Lady – Er yes sir we just wanted to make all our clients aware of this and we apologise for any inconvenience caused, would you still like to hear about our exciting insurance package

Me –It must be really exciting for you to contact me despite me saying don’t contact me so go for it.

Lady – Thank you sir. tell me sir are u covered for all accidents?

Me – yup, is that all you got?

Lady – Ok sir, our accidental cover is very comprehensive

Me - how comprehensive

Lady - very sir

 Me - u talking accidental

Lady -  yes sir, we offer accidental cover

Me - and for break - ins and household accidents

Lady - yes sir for accidents but not for break ins

Me – ok, coz my insurance covers me for household accidents and break ins. If the break in was an accident, will I be covered?

Lady - yes sir  but what do you mean accidental break in?

Me - like if the thieves wanted to break into my neighbour’s apartment but broke into mine coz they made a mistake

Lady - laughs

Me – I am serious, my neighbour got expensive stuff in his house so it will be an accident if they broke into my place coz I don’t have anything worth stealing

Lady -  Ok sir yes sir we cover all accidents but not break ins

Me - All accidents but not accidental break ins. So you know my current insurance covers me for car, home and break -ins but u cover for all minus accidental break ins?

Lady - Yes sir

Me - hmm so if I get a girl pregnant by accident - am I covered?

Lady - laughs

Me – I’m serious, will your insurance cover accidental impregnations?

Lady – Sir? No, no we do not cover accidents like that *laughs*, how we know it was accident?

Me – Well if the chick is ugly then it was an accident but I was probably drunk so you are right.

Lady – Come again

Me – (too easy to make a joke on her reply and had my neuron blasting quips so I didn’t retort coz I started giggling and said) then what else is there?

Lady -  We cover criminal accidents

Me - oh, like if you commit a crime by accident?

Lady - No sir, if you become involved by accident in a crime

Me - oh, so like the thieves who accidently broke into my house and not my neighbours

Lady –( laughs)....Yes sir, I guess you are right but we mean if you are implicated in a crime

Me - what about the girl i accidently got pregnant, if her dad comes and tries to kill me...am I covered?

Lady – Sir, I do not understand?

Me - He is about to commit a crime that im about to be in

Lady - No sir insurance will not cover that

Me - what about life cover, does you exciting insurance package include life cover?

Lady – If you want life cover, we offer life cover

Me - tell me, do you still want to offer me life cover...really?

Lady – (laughs), sir you made me laugh too much today

Me - good, but no thanks. have a nice day

Lady – Thank you sir. Good Bye

A Strategy to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

I have created a sound strategy based on my extensive experience in paranoia for such events.

So u wake up and find there is a Zombie Apocalypse.

You need stealth, combat ability techniques and hideouts in order to survive this Zombie Apocalypse. However you need to get supplies for the strategy or you will end up “dead meat” in more ways than one.

There are two important things you need to know about zombies

All he wants is fresh meat...

1)    If a Zombie's bodily fluid (most common form is zombie saliva) is swopped with yours, you will be infected  (Like HIV/AIDS only having a shower afterwards wont cure you)

2)    They can smell fresh meat, just like orcs from LOTR 2 (flickering his nose Orc Snaga says “What about them? They're fresh” referring to Mery and Pippin) and orcs are kinda like zombies as explained by Saruman in LOTR 1


Okay so from home you need to get to a place that has the supplies you need. You have to move fast while there are less Zombies busy killing other people. The idea is to always avoid combat, however you will be confronted by a zombie/s and u need to be prepared. To avoid getting killed between home and the supplies shop equip yourself with the following:

If You end up looking like this...give me ur number ;)

Wear multiple pants and long sleeve shirts. Pull beanie over your head and make eye and nose holes. You want to wear enough clothes that Zombies bites don’t break your skin but also be able to move and run. *Tip not wearing undies helps one to move easier…

Wear dark colours, zombie sight aint too good.
Carry incense sticks and light them continuously to mask your human scent.
Weapons: Fire, not bullets are the best way to kill zombies.

Braai lighter (flame can stay on) taped around aerosol can makes for a great homemade flame thrower, keep it in your left hand. Put flour in several small lunch bags with enough air and tie them up – this can be used to be thrown at Zombies and then use the flame thrower  – this will create a friggin awesome mini bomb that will explode zombie guts everywhere. Also have some back up bags with turpentine if u prefer Deep Fried Zombies. (right hand is stronger and needed to throw bags with enough force that the it bursts on impact)

Tape a long knife to your right wrist* (palm facing down) so u look like wolverine extending his middle claw, this will help in close combat situations with zombies and you can nick other people and let their blood attract the zombies that are on your trail. (*knife on right wrist makes it easier to cut people jugular for more blood)

Now that you are at the shops, you have a limited time to loot the following and remember you can only carry so much, but don’t be miserly either!!!

Items:

A  Stronger back pack
David Beckhams perfume
Incense sticks
Lighters…not matches!
A Docking station and i-pod
Can food
Snack bars
Water bottle and babies bottle
Aerosol cans
Flour
Binoculars – high powered ones, not the ones u had at home
Walkie Talkies
Thermal blanket
GPS
Hiking Boots
Batteries
Torch (more than one)
Dirty Magazine
Hand held consoles and games
Tent
Bait
Lots Fishing line
Dettol
Two pots
Superfast glue (use immediately to seal up cuts as the blood will attract zombies)



After Bandana

Before Bandana

Red Bandana – tie this around your head (like Rambo) and u immediately feel like a renegade bad ass, this may also cause involuntary slurred speech i.e Stallone Effect Syndrome

There will be zombies everywhere and you need to blend in. In close quarter situations, rub David Beckham’s perfume (smells the same as rotting meat and lasts longer) on you to blend in with the zombies. Remember they aren’t easily fooled so mutter Justin Bieber / Katie Perry lyrics so they believe you are a zombiefied drone like them. Discretely move away from this zombie groups and move to your next pit stop.

The taxi rank, here you can get actual rotting meat from any  butchery at the rank, then search under the driver’s seats of the taxis and you will find guns & ammo – get as many as you can!

Make your next stop at a Ducatti or Honda and get a FAST black motorbike…and helmet, no use surviving Zombies to get your head smashed by falling of the bike. This is the best form of transport in apocalypse situations, not those big shielded cars that cant go fast. Bikes are fast and can be used off road, only prob is the noise, which can be muffed out. remember to get as lotsa petrol cans from the garage.

You will now use your GPS to find a remote area that has fresh water near by (my bet is Drakensburg, I mean it survived 2012). Zombies don’t have strong limbs so climbing mountains will be hard for them.

Sustenance:

You need to create a life for yourself in the wilderness, and unfortunately after 39 days, even if you are the sole survivor – u aren’t gonna win a million dollars.

You have the fresh water supply for water and fish…lucky u got bait and line, Im sure u can find a strong fishing stick amongst the branches used for fire wood.

The two pots, one for boiling water and storing them in water bottles and the other for cooking cans, fish and critters and u got snack bars…to keep you regular

Thermal blankets will keep warm, and the dirty magazines will keep you…busy on those cold nights and your torches will have batteries
You need solid hiking boots, helps you around camp and trekking
The most important items, hand held consoles and games coz seriously who wants to live in a world where you can't game?

no gaming - pass the gun please

Camp security:

Set your tent as close to the mountain ledge as possible, this will avoid you getting surrounded.

This high ground gives you a good vantage point to scout from with your binoculars.

Always have a camp fire going, lighters are better than matches and keep flour and petrol bombs ready for an immediate attack

Always have an aerosol can, lighter and flour pocket with you, guns wont damage a zombie much but will slow them down.

Use the babies bottle tip on the gun to act as a silencer when hunting food, zombies are attracted to noise and smell

Keep burning incense to disguise your human scent, though with not bathing and crapping where you eat your human scent will be gone soon enough.

Wonder if Dettol will give me royalties?

Create an interwoven fence line dipped in Dettol. The fishing line will cut the zombie’s skin and the Dettol is an antibacterial that will immediately cause pain to the decaying zombie, making it scream. This will alert you and give you time to mount an offence.

Leave a walkie talkie in a tree near your perimeter, when a zombie sets off your trap, you can confuse the zombie away by talking in your one coz the zombie will hear the other one in the tree

Batteries take 10 mins to explode so timing is important, throw a battery in the campfire this will give you a head start to your find next hideout

Failsafe: Every good strategy needs one!

This should only be attempted when there is no way to escape.

You will have your docking station and i-pod on you. place the ipod on the docking station and have speaker on full blast.

Part 1

When the music starts, stumble forward with your right foot and then your left foot two times (right, left, right, left). Do the same thing while moving backward (right, left, right, left). Take it forward once more (right, left, right, left). And then back again (right, left, right, left).

Part 2

Move forward again, right foot then left foot, four times. On the first, third and fourth step, lift your right shoulder up as you take the step. After the fourth step, do the exact same thing while moving backward. Then, turn and face right and raise your right arm out in front of you, and your left arm out in back of you. Step forward with the right foot and dip your backside at the same time in a bouncing movement. Do this twice.

Part 3

Stand with your left leg facing forward and step your right leg out to the side simultaneously. (Shift your weight so you are leaning on your left leg.) Lean back to your left and take two little hops to the right. Then, fall forward to your right by bending at the waist. When you fall forward, make sure your weight is on your right leg this time. With your head and arms still down, turn to the left and then lift your head and face forward. Stare straight ahead for two counts. Place your left hand on the center of your waist, and raise your right arm in the air to the right side. Then dip down and back up four times.

 Part 4

Bend at the knees and then raise both hands above the head and clap. (You will be as straight as a pencil at this point). Step your left foot out to the side as wide as you can go, then slide your right foot over. Stomp your right foot, raise your shoulders once and turn your head to the left. (This movement goes very fast during the song.)

 Part 5

Stand with your feet apart (about as wide as your shoulders) and swing your hips from the right to the left three times (while leaning to the right). Then, tuck your body in and release so that your left leg is pointing out to the left side and your right arm is pointing straight out to your right side. Land on your left foot, and then swing your hips from left to right two times. Tuck your body in and release into a "roar" stance. This is one of the most popular "Thriller" moves. Step to the right while maintaining the "roar" stance, and then step to the left. Face front and fall at the waist while jiggling your entire body. While keeping your left foot planted, step in a clockwise circle. Look up to the left when you get to 9 o'clock. Then walk forward with your hands on your hips. (Right, left, right, left).

And if you haven’t figured it out yet, that is the dance steps for Michael Jackson’s Thriller (now read again, play the song and dance)

This song should trance the zombies to dance and this will give you the chance to bite them, yes bite them coz by Newton 3rd law (every action has an equal and opposite reaction) this means: zombies bite humans and humans become zombies SO Humans biting Zombies should turn Zombies to Humans.

Also some quick tips:

Don’t join a group of survivors, they will get you killed Loners always survive until they join groups (Danielle – Lost, Lawrence Fishburne – Predators 2010, Ali Larter – Final Destination etc)

If you are a female virgin you will be the last to die after crying and have snot leaking down your face. (Final Destination 4, Saw, Halloween chick)

If you meet a female virgin, nail her lotsa times, this increases your odds of survival coz slutty girls are almost always killed first (Paris Hilton – Wax House, Blondes in Wrong Turn)

Follow a group that has a smart ass, black people, strong jocks coz these people will die in gruesome ways that will educate on how zombies attack (I know what u did last summer, urban legend)

Keep a journal, a crappy sequel will follow and that group of misfits will use your guide to fend of Zombies but will also find a clue that you overlooked on how to kill alll Zombies. if there is a trilogy, you will be brought back as a 70% human and 30% zombie with the zombie part growing. you will eventually sacrifice yourself to save a pregnant girl whose kid is the key to restoring humanity.

And that boys and girls is why I am a paranoid guy that is ready for anything…Alien Attack, Serial killer, global warming etc – Just Bring It

Mr Nice Guy Finishes First

I recently took part in a competition and I won!!!

Dark Carnval Site

The competition was hosted by The Dark Carnival; a place I like to believe is Geek Paradise. Granted you will be tempted to spend every cent you have but its worth it. You don’t need to pay the electricity bill when you can buy a Star Wars Light Sabre to light the way and your hunger will be satisfied with a feast of collector edition action figures. What u do need is clothes, and boy oh boy will you look spiffy in Sheldon’s Bazinga shirts!!!

Superhero or Super Villain

The competition topic was “What is your story? Do you have super powers? Are you good or bad? Even put up a pic, if you like. We want to know all about it. What Would Be Your Secret Superhero/Villain Identity?”

Have you ever thought about having a power and what will you do with it?

So I present my winning entry…

My Secret Identity…. Yes I am a hero…I didn’t come up with that title on my own. No true hero calls themselves a hero. It’s a title that can only be obtained by fighting against evil, noble self-sacrifices for the better good, daring adventures and wearing your underpants over your pants. Even with these heroic traits, you are not a true hero until someone calls you “their hero”.

Fortunately for me, this is what many a damsel has called me. However I will add the super part and make it superhero. Has a better sound to it. Besides if Batman can get away with not having any superpowers and still be referred to as a superhero then so can I!

But I do have a few abilities that Batsy-poo doesn’t have….I mean sure he got his athletic ability, martial art skills, gadgets, cars, deductions skills, secret lair, a butler, money, power, sidekicks but what I have is my speed. Not just normal quick, Im talking greasy lightning The Flash speed. So quick in fact that every girl I have been with had this amazed look on their face and I just nod and smirk “yeah babe, Im done” Surprisingly my quickness does not play into my heroics.

Nicer than Rock Lee

Look up in the sky…its probably a bird or a plane coz its definitely not me. I am definitely around but you don’t see me or even notice me. My name…Mr Nice Guy and have a doormat as a cape . Used to have a handkerchief cape but too many people blew their nose into it and it became a nightmare to wash.

I’m the guy that picks up the stuff your kid throws out of the trolley in the supermarket and hands it back to you. The one who sees u struggling with your packets and comes over to help you coz for some reason it didn’t make sense to you to use a trolley…that’s me. Sure the car guards hate me but every hero needs a gang to go up against. And they are a riley bunch with their glow in the dark costumes and sudden appearance from behind trees…but I am quite the artful dodger myself.

Your car is pulled over to the side of the road and all you see is people zooming pass you…gawking. I’m not one of them gawkers. Despite being mechanically inept, I do have only thing that will help any car pulled over to the side of the road. A cell phone for you to call insurance, a friend, a tow truck company or 1023. Coz when you are having a “car pulled over to the side of the road day” your phone is either dead or does not have the contact details you need.

I believe evil prevails when good people do nothing. Unfortunately we don’t have a pending alien invasion or a mastermind with plans to dominate the world (China is dominating by default so they dont count). So what do we have to make us heroes?

For me its manners and being nice, not just normal nice but very, very nice-borderline-inappropriate nice. Ever thought about a go to guy? The one you will call if you were too drunk to drive, having problems with you work, partner or landlord? Well it seems I missed the boat on making a fortune coz if I had 5c for every person who calls me their go-to-guy well I will have lots of 5c, maybe enough to fill Scrooge McDuck’s money tower.

Ghandi Thought...Rocky Slurred it

Rocky said a lot more than ADRIAN

My heroic motto is be the change you want to see in others. I know when I am in a queue with two items and have someone with a trolley full in front of me, it would be nice if they offer to swop but they don’t. So when the tables are reversed I always swop…get the best reward ever…no not a lap dance but a thank you. In the words of Rocky Balboa “If I’z can change…and you’z can change…Everybody can change”.

But I digress…back to my secret identity.

A typical day in the office for most is working…for me its working and playing hero. I am proud that my colleagues have come to realize ask me for help. I have jump started cars and broken into cars (keys were locked inside) and taken care of insurance issues. Help carrying boxes or just needing a lift to the local shop, I am your guy.

Not all cars can be broken in to. I have driven someone from work to their home (20kms) away to pick up their spare key. Twice. There is no greater feeling than knowing you are someone’s hero.

 Shout Shazam and you may be transformed into a powerful being, with…

 S The wisdom of Solomon;

 H The strength of Hercules;

A The stamina of Atlas;

Z The power of Zeus;

A The courage of Achilles;

M The speed of Mercury.

My SHAZAM works a little differently. The wisdom of Google; whenever I want to know something I just type “how to…” in Google , on a side note I noticed “make love” is the always the first hint that comes up and the video is 5 minutes…note to self – upload how it can be done in two seconds.

The strength and power of an Egg shell; yes my strength is powerful from within and when its ready I will break through my meek shell to reveal a hulking monster.

Did I Do That (I had to type that)

 The stealth of an Ewok – cute, fuzzy and scrappy! I can disappear as quickly I appear to help.

 The valor of a Knight. Always carry an handkerchief in my pocket. As a token to the princesses I save…and I have nose bleeds.

 So, when you hear a distant shout of GEEK know I am going into superhero mode…or getting my butt whipped.

I have a scream too. Yes a shriek so devastating you will think I am the love child of Queen Sindel and Banshee. Many moons ago I was on a school camp and we were trekking through the woods. We all were weary and wanted to go back to the campsite. Our teachers said we needed to hike. I came across a spider and let of a glass shattering scream. When I calmed down the teachers asked me what was wrong…I stammered spider. Based on my scream they figured it was a huge spider, but it was a small one. But my shriek made them think it is safer to head back to camp. I saved my teammates from fresh air and exercise…till this day the teacher’s believe it was a huge spider, friends believe it was my plan to shriek and get back to camp but now you know the truth – I have a girly scream. So be it in brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight, let those who worship evil’s dream, beware the power of my mighty girly scream!!!

 So why my need to be a hero…guess like Hercules

 “I have often dreamed, of a far off place, where a hero’s welcome, would be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face. And a voice keeps saying, this is where I’m meant to be, I’ll be there someday, I can go the distance. I will find my way, if I can be strong, When I go the distance, I’ll be right where I belong. It might take a lifetime, but somehow I’ll see it through. And I won’t look back, I can go the distance. And I’ll stay on track, no, I won’t accept defeat. It’s an uphill slope, but I won’t lose hope. Till I go the distance, and my journey is complete. But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part, for a hero’s strength is measured by his heart. Like a shooting star, I will go the distance, I will search the world, I will face its harms, I don’t care how far, I can go the distance. Till I find my hero’s welcome, I will search the world, I will face its harms”.

Truth be told –my hero complex comes from the ideological mythos from the superhero universe…and I channelled my OCD in to niceness…a question I ask myself daily…will I die a nice guy or live long enough to see myself become a meanie?

Plagiarism - The Evolution of Crap

Seems that my first crappy post got a lot more attention than I expected, thanks guys!

I did get a note that bugged me, it said I copied the dark knight’s ending…hmmm!

Yes, I innately draw inspiration from various sources and always refine them to represent my personality. So it got me a thinking, are any of our thoughts original?

Logically the answer is NO. If you were to think about it, and given that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old and from a Christian perspective – homo sapiens have been walking around for 4.5 billion years minus 6 days. Hang on, Biblical scripts don’t support the Earth being 4.5 billion years so throw in some other religious beliefs. Let’s just leave it that the Earth is very, very old and has seen lots and lots of people come and go.

Every idea has been taken. Some good like the dude that saw a chicken crap an egg and said “hey let’s eat that” or the lady who said figured crying gets her what she wants. The man who figured out how to communicate via radio waves, ALL modern technology is based on this idea. Rad tech from the 80’s movies depicting present technology is now viable.



Wonder who get the royalties?

So I have been thinking hard, are there any more original ideas left? Think about it – what ground breaking new discovery can be made that hasn’t been thought of already? Bill and Steve developed two platforms from one technology, a technology that neither of them created. Yet they evolved the processor technology of someone else to dominate the IT markets. Granted Bill wins by fatality, but Steve has proven plagerism is just candycoating with style!

One Processor, Two Platforms, Choose Your Destiny 

While those thoughts are floating around, I was thinking of the masses that rely on other peoples crap to have a reason to exist. People are so gung-ho to follow new trends based on originals. Take Stallone’s Rocky franchise. What made is it such a success? Could it be Rocky represents the dreams of the long shots, the little people that (want to) identify with him? That is the key to public success. Brand identity, a true product that was sold to the people. Sell it while they'll still buy. And boy oh boy did they sell it and boy oh boy do people still buy! The Karate Kid, changed the boxing to karate and the crane pose was used in other shows in the 80’s and 90’s! More recently Real Steel was Rocky with robots. So who was the original underdog? Maybe when David fought Goliath…

One that I could not get through was Avatar or rather Pocahontas 3D

Well if all the ideas have been thought of, it’s fortunate we have Nakalchi Bandar (a hindi phrase for copy cats that the most beautoful girl from India taught me) who can evolve/ customize ideas. When you factor in how an idea is perceived and marketed to the audience and the audience sentiments at that time…society has a lot of enriching, evolved crap to feed off.

Why Your Thoughts Are Just As Crappy As Mine

Hmmm...ok... so I was asked to start a blog coz apparently humans find the crap I say/write to be interesting…so it got me thinking…why do muggles find the thoughts of other muggles interesting? Whether it’s reading a book, listening to music, following a political leader or watching a movie – humans follow the thoughts of others.

But what are these thoughts? What are we really following? Political leaders' whims, musician's emotions, the escape into a reality created by movie directors and games developer - these are all the thoughts created by other people that we gather.

Humans are like dung beetles, running around collecting the excrement (thoughts) of other humans' to form their own identity.

Thought/Crap gathered from The Beatles on Abbey Road

So why are certain people gifted with more enriching crap than others? Are we all not carbon based life forms, "prick us and we bleed, kill us and we die". So how can the thoughts/crap of others be more tantalizing than others? It comes down to a filtration system.

I believe “they” have implanted a filter between the brain and mouth of individuals to enslave humanity's thought process, which forces people to confirm to the social rules, the socials rules “they” created.

Fortunately my filter was not installed properly. I am an odd ball, a social outcast and generally awkward – So I am able to express my raw thoughts without caring what society or you think of me.

Through the centuries “they” have prevailed in oppressing the masses to submit to what “they” feel is socially acceptable by selecting people with faulty filters and moulding them as leaders to set social protocols.

Hitler and Mandela were radical leaders that steered the world to war and reconciliation, now perhaps Justin Beiber is at the helm. I wish could say that’s never going to happen but I learnt to never say never, like 300,762,652 other people have too. Like it or not we gather the thoughts of these people.

My brain is always thinking, I’m not special, everyone’s brain is always is thinking, just that most people hide it very well. Everyone has at least one voice in their head. People think that these are  your thoughts, people who think anything else are idiots. What does your voice say right now? It is “saying” this sentence right now.

Reading, listening, watching, tasting and touching requires a process. The process of thinking; and thinking excretes thoughts which are in your head right now! So in a way, I’m taking a dump in your head.

Rodin the Thinker, a sculpture made in 1902 to depict a man thinking, supports my excrement thought theory

Crap thoughts (not only thought had on the crapper) can be constipated (like when on the crapper) from heavy/stressful/problem thinking– leaving the mind in a sluggish state. On the other end of the scale thinking light/humorous/nothing and those thoughts is just gas. Maybe this is where the term airheads came from. More evidence to support my theory that all thoughts are just crap.

So what makes us think regular thoughts? Bran? No but if you thought that you were close, you were just missing an “i” in bran coz it’s your  bra”i”n that makes you think. Seriously, if you had to think about what makes you think, then you need to follow and gather more thoughts till you start thinking for yourself.

You either die a follower or you live long enough to see yourself become one of “them”. I can do both those things. Because I'm not a hero, not like Gandhi or a dictator like Hitler. I ridicule social norms and call out false pretences. That's what I can be. A Voice. Not a voice people deserve but the voice needed. Nothing less than a silent knight. Writing, talking, sharing crappy thoughts. For this, “They'll” ostracise me, you'll mock me, you'll condemn me, set the dogs on me, because that's what needs to happen. I can take it because I’m not your hero. I’m a vengeful guardian, a watchful protector. A Bat-Pool Blogger!

Gonna eat some bran coz my brain needs to keep regular if I’m to continue writing this crap.