I have created a sound strategy based on my extensive
experience in paranoia for such events.
So u wake up and find there is a Zombie Apocalypse.
You need stealth, combat ability techniques and hideouts in
order to survive this Zombie Apocalypse. However you need to get supplies for
the strategy or you will end up “dead meat” in more ways than one.
There are two important things you need to know about
zombies
All he wants is fresh meat... |
1) If a Zombie's
bodily fluid (most common form is zombie saliva) is swopped with yours, you will
be infected (Like HIV/AIDS only having a
shower afterwards wont cure you)
2) They can smell
fresh meat, just like orcs from LOTR 2 (flickering his nose Orc Snaga says
“What about them? They're fresh” referring to Mery and Pippin) and orcs are
kinda like zombies as explained by Saruman in LOTR 1
Okay so from home you need to get to a place that has the
supplies you need. You have to move fast while there are less Zombies busy
killing other people. The idea is to always avoid combat, however you will be
confronted by a zombie/s and u need to be prepared. To avoid getting killed
between home and the supplies shop equip yourself with the following:
If You end up looking like this...give me ur number ;) |
Wear multiple pants and long sleeve shirts. Pull beanie over
your head and make eye and nose holes. You want to wear enough clothes that
Zombies bites don’t break your skin but also be able to move and run. *Tip not
wearing undies helps one to move easier…
Wear dark colours, zombie sight aint too good.Carry incense sticks and light them continuously to mask your human scent.
Weapons: Fire, not bullets are the best way to kill zombies.
Braai lighter (flame can stay on) taped around aerosol can
makes for a great homemade flame thrower, keep it in your left hand. Put flour
in several small lunch bags with enough air and tie them up – this can be used
to be thrown at Zombies and then use the flame thrower – this will create a friggin awesome mini
bomb that will explode zombie guts everywhere. Also have some back up bags with
turpentine if u prefer Deep Fried Zombies. (right hand is stronger and needed
to throw bags with enough force that the it bursts on impact)
Tape a long knife to your right wrist* (palm facing down) so
u look like wolverine extending his middle claw, this will help in close combat
situations with zombies and you can nick other people and let their blood
attract the zombies that are on your trail. (*knife on right wrist makes it
easier to cut people jugular for more blood)
Now that you are at the shops, you have a limited time to
loot the following and remember you can only carry so much, but don’t be
miserly either!!!
Items:
A Stronger back packDavid Beckhams perfume
Incense sticks
Lighters…not matches!
A Docking station and i-pod
Can food
Snack bars
Water bottle and babies bottle
Aerosol cans
Flour
Binoculars – high powered ones, not the ones u had at home
Walkie Talkies
Thermal blanket
GPS
Hiking Boots
Batteries
Torch (more than one)
Dirty Magazine
Hand held consoles and games
Tent
Bait
Lots Fishing line
Dettol
Two pots
Superfast glue (use immediately to seal up cuts as the blood will attract zombies)
After Bandana |
Before Bandana |
There will be zombies everywhere and you need to blend in. In close quarter situations, rub David Beckham’s perfume (smells the same as rotting meat and lasts longer) on you to blend in with the zombies. Remember they aren’t easily fooled so mutter Justin Bieber / Katie Perry lyrics so they believe you are a zombiefied drone like them. Discretely move away from this zombie groups and move to your next pit stop.
Make your next stop at a Ducatti or Honda and get a FAST
black motorbike…and helmet, no use surviving Zombies to get your head smashed
by falling of the bike. This is the best form of transport in apocalypse
situations, not those big shielded cars that cant go fast. Bikes are fast and
can be used off road, only prob is the noise, which can be muffed out. remember
to get as lotsa petrol cans from the garage.
You will now use your GPS to find a remote area that has
fresh water near by (my bet is Drakensburg, I mean it survived 2012). Zombies
don’t have strong limbs so climbing mountains will be hard for them.
Sustenance:
You need to create a life for yourself in the wilderness,
and unfortunately after 39 days, even if you are the sole survivor – u aren’t
gonna win a million dollars.
You have the fresh water supply for water and fish…lucky u
got bait and line, Im sure u can find a strong fishing stick amongst the
branches used for fire wood.
The two pots, one for boiling water and storing them in
water bottles and the other for cooking cans, fish and critters and u got snack
bars…to keep you regular
Thermal blankets will keep warm, and the dirty magazines
will keep you…busy on those cold nights and your torches will have batteriesYou need solid hiking boots, helps you around camp and trekking
The most important items, hand held consoles and games coz seriously who wants to live in a world where you can't game?
no gaming - pass the gun please |
Camp security:
Set your tent as close to the mountain ledge as possible,
this will avoid you getting surrounded.This high ground gives you a good vantage point to scout from with your binoculars.
Always have a camp fire going, lighters are better than matches and keep flour and petrol bombs ready for an immediate attack
Always have an aerosol can, lighter and flour pocket with you, guns wont damage a zombie much but will slow them down.
Use the babies bottle tip on the gun to act as a silencer when hunting food, zombies are attracted to noise and smell
Keep burning incense to disguise your human scent, though
with not bathing and crapping where you eat your human scent will be gone soon
enough.
Wonder if Dettol will give me royalties? |
Create an interwoven fence line dipped in Dettol. The
fishing line will cut the zombie’s skin and the Dettol is an antibacterial that
will immediately cause pain to the decaying zombie, making it scream. This will
alert you and give you time to mount an offence.
Leave a walkie talkie in a tree near your perimeter, when a
zombie sets off your trap, you can confuse the zombie away by talking in your
one coz the zombie will hear the other one in the tree
Batteries take 10 mins to explode so timing is important,
throw a battery in the campfire this will give you a head start to your find
next hideout
Failsafe: Every good strategy needs one!
This should only be attempted when there is no way to
escape.
You will have your docking station and i-pod on you. place
the ipod on the docking station and have speaker on full blast.
When the music starts, stumble forward with your right foot and then your left foot two times (right, left, right, left). Do the same thing while moving backward (right, left, right, left). Take it forward once more (right, left, right, left). And then back again (right, left, right, left).
Part 2
Move forward again, right foot then left foot, four times.
On the first, third and fourth step, lift your right shoulder up as you take
the step. After the fourth step, do the exact same thing while moving backward.
Then, turn and face right and raise your right arm out in front of you, and
your left arm out in back of you. Step forward with the right foot and dip your
backside at the same time in a bouncing movement. Do this twice.
Part 3
Stand with your left leg facing forward and step your right
leg out to the side simultaneously. (Shift your weight so you are leaning on
your left leg.) Lean back to your left and take two little hops to the right.
Then, fall forward to your right by bending at the waist. When you fall
forward, make sure your weight is on your right leg this time. With your head
and arms still down, turn to the left and then lift your head and face forward.
Stare straight ahead for two counts. Place your left hand on the center of your
waist, and raise your right arm in the air to the right side. Then dip down and
back up four times.
Part 4
Bend at the knees and then raise both hands above the head
and clap. (You will be as straight as a pencil at this point). Step your left
foot out to the side as wide as you can go, then slide your right foot over.
Stomp your right foot, raise your shoulders once and turn your head to the
left. (This movement goes very fast during the song.)
Part 5
Stand with your feet apart (about as wide as your shoulders)
and swing your hips from the right to the left three times (while leaning to
the right). Then, tuck your body in and release so that your left leg is
pointing out to the left side and your right arm is pointing straight out to
your right side. Land on your left foot, and then swing your hips from left to
right two times. Tuck your body in and release into a "roar" stance.
This is one of the most popular "Thriller" moves. Step to the right
while maintaining the "roar" stance, and then step to the left. Face
front and fall at the waist while jiggling your entire body. While keeping your
left foot planted, step in a clockwise circle. Look up to the left when you get
to 9 o'clock. Then walk forward with your hands on your hips. (Right, left,
right, left).
And if you haven’t figured it out yet, that is the dance
steps for Michael Jackson’s Thriller (now read again, play the song and dance)
This song should trance the zombies to dance and this will
give you the chance to bite them, yes bite them coz by Newton 3rd law (every
action has an equal and opposite reaction) this means: zombies bite humans and
humans become zombies SO Humans biting Zombies should turn Zombies to Humans.
Also some quick tips:
Don’t join a group of survivors, they will get you killed
Loners always survive until they join groups (Danielle – Lost, Lawrence
Fishburne – Predators 2010, Ali Larter – Final Destination etc)
If you are a female virgin you will be the last to die after
crying and have snot leaking down your face. (Final Destination 4, Saw,
Halloween chick)
If you meet a female virgin, nail her lotsa times, this
increases your odds of survival coz slutty girls are almost always killed first
(Paris Hilton – Wax House, Blondes in Wrong Turn)
Follow a group that has a smart ass, black people, strong
jocks coz these people will die in gruesome ways that will educate on how
zombies attack (I know what u did last summer, urban legend)
Keep a journal, a crappy sequel will follow and that group
of misfits will use your guide to fend of Zombies but will also find a clue
that you overlooked on how to kill alll Zombies. if there is a trilogy, you
will be brought back as a 70% human and 30% zombie with the zombie part
growing. you will eventually sacrifice yourself to save a pregnant girl whose
kid is the key to restoring humanity.
And that boys and girls is why I am a paranoid guy that is
ready for anything…Alien Attack, Serial killer, global warming etc – Just Bring
It